Movie Idea. Bizarre crop circles appear on surfaces across the globe. So the government dispatches Agent J to investigate, who uncovers a massive plot involving a lesbian clone army on planet Ya-Ya. He races home to expose the divine secret of the sisterhood, but a bounty hunter is hot on his trails. To elude his pursuer he travels back in time to the 1970s where he meets funky diva Destiny Bootilicious. After much sex and violence he is bitten by a genetically engineered hamster and fights crime as Stuart-Man. Meanwhile back on earth giant eight-legged freaks run amok, while the Croc Hunter explains how to properly wrestle one to the ground. Suddenly, the Mystery Machine pulls up and the Scooby Doo gang reveals that the big spiders are actually just dragons in disguise, who would've gotten away with it had it not been for you meddling kids.

Some new parlor games:
· Six Degrees of Separation from Your Momma. "Kevin Bacon was in Apollo 13 with Tom Hanks who was in Saving Private Ryan with Matt Damon who was in Good Will Hunting with Ben Affleck who was in Chasing Amy with Joey Lauren Adams who was in Big Daddy which is what your momma calls me when I nail her."
· Full Contact Slaps. Variation of Slaps that includes headbutts, drop-kicks, and eye-pokes.
· Jabberwocky Password. Same as Password, with totally made up words. Impossible to win.
· Virtual Staring Contest. Stare down your opponent via webcams!
· Extreme Thumb Wrestling. A no holds barred version of the original. Go nuts!
· Socrates' 20 Questions. Stump your opponent with 20 philosophical questions and force him to reevaluate his whole belief system. Warning: May result in death by angry mob.

They should do a National Geographic Animal Kingdom-type special on cartoonists. Have like Jane Goodall study them in their natural habitat. Imagine the log entries:
DAY 1. I'm in the artist's studio. The creature is hunched over his drawing table, totally spaced out.
DAY 2. In an attempt to gain his trust I smear my shirt with ink blotches, just like his. I think I'm making progress.
DAY 3. I lean over to see what he's drawing. This was a mistake. He nearly bites my head off. Crikey! The bastards are touchy.
DAY 4. The creature is scribbling frantically. He is visibly excited. I keep my distance.
DAY 5. A breakthrough. During one of his many cigarette breaks, the creature tosses me a stick. I think he's accepted me as one of his own. I'm part of the tribe now.

On business. The artist/business relationship has always been a stormy one. Michelangelo haggled with the church. Kubrick tangled with the studio. Prince locked horns with his label. Watterson battled his syndicate. It's tempting to romanticize the whole thing as integrity versus greed, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. It makes me smile when I think about Watterson telling the moneygrubbers to go blow themselves. I get a kick out of Prince taking on a giant conglomerate. And who knows, I may one day go a few rounds against big business myself. Maybe I'll change my name to a semi-colon or an asterisk or something. Oo, I know. A dollar sign! Won't that be rich? The Artist Now Known As Money battles corporate greed. Ha ha!

On philosophy. As most of you know, I'm a very philosophical cat. I gets my think on, you know what I'm saying? I'm always contemplating shit. Deep shit. Like, if a tree fell in the forest and no one's around, does it make a sound? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And just how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? Now, call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the woodchuck had something to do with that tree falling in the forest. And the chicken probably came first, cuz he's better trained, what with all that crossing the road he does. But don't feel bad for the egg; he gets laid more. Which goes to show you the cosmic balance and harmony of the universe. I'm off to my mountaintop to meditate. Ooommmmmmm...

Food for thought. They say the world is our oyster. Variety is the spice of life. And we live in the land of milk and honey. We got eye candy. Flavors of the month. Toast of the town. The coolest thing since sliced bread. The creme de la creme. All that and a bag of chips. And if life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. But what about the bad apples and the sour grapes and the raspberries and the tough nuts you can't crack? Life may be a banquet but it's no picnic, either. But hey, if you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen. Cuz you can't have your cake and eat it too. There's no such thing as a free lunch. You gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelette, you know what I'm saying? So remember: You are what you eat. The proof is in the pudding, my friend.
How'd you like them apples?

And now a look into the year 2090...
· Mars colonized by Starbucks and BMW. Establishes yuppie paradise.
· Gallop poll reveals everyone has had their 15 minutes. Nothing left to live for. Global populace in doldrums.
· Capitol Hill considers adding Bill Clinton to Mount Rushmore. Senate member dies laughing.
· Dick Clark hosts Rockin' New Year's Eve for the last time. "I'm getting kind of old," says broadcast legend.
· Polar ice caps melt, floods Scandinavia. Republicans concede global warming "may be real."
· Construction of Disney Mecca plagued by suicide bombers from rival DreamWorks.
· Martians attack Earth. Flying Beemers descend on metropolitan areas. Aliens appear wired.
· Sony's popular line of cybernetic butlers malfunctions, terminates everyone named John Connor. The age of robots begins.
· Uranus colonized by Playboy. Hef revived from frozen hibernation to "bless" planet with blonde triplets.

On sports. So I'm cheering my team on, whooping it up, chanting, praying, hexing opposing players, making voodoo dolls--you know, the usual fan stuff. Cuz it's a primal thing, sports. It's territorial. It's tribal. My city can kick your city's ass. It's like a person's religion and politics rolled into one, only crazier. A packed stadium is like the Colosseum in ancient Rome. A raucous arena is like Thunderdome. Of course, things were a bit more brutal back then, what with actual killing and all. Which naturally begs the question: What if ancient Rome had free agency? That might've leveled the playing field. Imagine the headlines: Perennial underdogs the Christian Martyrs signs prep school phenom Maximus the Gladiator. Makes blockbuster trade for all-star Praetorian Guard. Coach Paul says he feels confident about the next tournament. "We're gonna spank those Lions this time," says prophet.

So I'm listening to 80s golden oldies and I notice a lot of redundant names. Duran Duran. Mr. Mister. Talk Talk. Lisa Lisa. The Go-gos. Soul II Soul. Tom Tom Club. Oingo Boingo. Scritti Politti. Milli Vanilli. Bow Wow Wow. LL Cool J. ZZ Top. Perhaps the lethal combination of cocaine and hairspray caused the Me Generation to see double. Good thing they regained their focus or else we'd now be grooving to 'N Sync Sync and Destiny's Twins. Then in the 90s we got a bunch of food names: Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Phish, Korn, Cake, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, Lemonheads, Blind Melon, Fiona Apple, Ice T, Ice Cube, Limp Bizkit, Eminem. Which is what happens when you smoke the ganja. You get the munchies and end up naming your band after whatever you scarf down. "Man, these pumpkin pies are smashing!"

What if someone else directed Star Wars?
· Stanley Kubrick. Galaxy overrun by juvenile delinquents. Vader renamed "Darth Hal."
· Francis Ford Coppola. Emperor insists on being called "Godfather." Says the Jedi "sleeps with the fishes tonight."
· Oliver Stone. The Supreme Chancellor is assassinated by fascist fanatic Lee Ozwaldo. Investigators uncover a massive plot involving another gunman in the "grassy Naboo."
· Adrian Lyne. In a scorching 20 minute sex scene Anakin shows Padme his "Jedi love tricks." Later a spurned Padme boils Anakin's pet Ewok.
· Spike Lee. When corrupt Imperial Troopers are exonerated, riots break out on the ghetto planet Kompton. To restore order the Jedi Council calls on the militant left wing group the Black Banthas.
· M. Night Shyamalan. Young Padawan learner haunted by visions. "I see digital people."

Some of my failed get-rich-quick schemes:
The Test Pattern Channel. Nothing but test patterns all day long. Advertiser interest low despite our monopoly of 18-35 year old insane acid freaks.
Capitalists Gone Wild. I taped a bunch of late night infomercials and thought I'd sell them under said title. Includes footage of me making the tapes. Wild!
The Imaginary Pet. Now this one is really cool. Comes with imaginary adoption papers, imaginary vaccination documents, and imaginary birth certificate. Problem was, all my customers were imaginary too.
Suckapalooza. Open mic karaoke world tour.
The Pro-matic Pronto-Wanker. I'm not sure what this thing is or what it's supposed to do, but it's very affordable and if you order now you'll also receive the versatile Multi-Purpose Wonder-Splooter.

What if someone else directed Spider-Man?
James Cameron. Green Goblin renamed G-1000, given special morphing powers. Spider-Man keeps saying, "I'll be back." And Mary Jane keeps saying, "I'll never let go."
Tim Burton. Title changed to Edward Spider-Hands. Winona Ryder as a goth Gwen Stacy. Climactic battle: Angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches calls for Spidey's head.
Quentin Tarantino. Set in the 70s. Peter Parker bitten by a psychedelic spider loaded with LSD. Samuel Jackson as jive-talking "J.J." Jameson, editor in chief at the Daily Brother.
Martin Scorsese: "Flash, are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me, cuz there's no one else around."
Woody Allen. Peter Parker consults a shrink. Says he dresses up in colorful outfits and likes to go "swinging."

Synopsis of my next bestseller T.I.: Episode II: Clone This!
· Chapter I: The Fandom Menace. Tatsuya recalls memorable encounters with fans. "One time this girl asks me for an autograph and I blurt out, 'Gonna shake my magic marker! Ungh! Good God! Watch me dance now! (does a butt grind, hip thrust) Ha ha!'"
· Chapter II: What is Matrimony? On the mysteries of love and relationships. "So she wants to cuddle and I'm like, 'Not now, baby.' And then she's all, 'Let's spoon.' 'Spoon???' I say incredulously. 'There is no spoon!'"
· Chapter III: Can You Smell What The Tat Is Cooking? Actual recipes from The Bachelor Cooking Show: Banana Burritos! Delivery Pizza! Beer!
· Chapter IV: This Moment Is So Much Bigger Than Me. Dedications and thank yous. "I'd like to thank God, my agent, the makers of Pocky... And to all my Padawan bitches out there: I loves ya! xoxo"

On Reality. Philosophers have puzzled over it. Scientists have studied it. Network executives market it. Reality. What is Reality? Like Morpheus said, "It's all around us." A neural-interactive simulation construct thingie designed to do whatever the hell it was designed to do. Me, I call it the ultimate buzzkill. I'd be grooving along all blissful and ignorant and happy as shit and BAM! Reality hits me like a thunderbolt. A reality check, they call it. A wake-up call. A kick in the ass. And it totally wrecks my buzz, man. But hey, I can dig it. Sometimes things go your way, other times you realize that evil robot machines are harvesting your energy supply. You win some, you lose some, you know what I'm saying? So bring it, Reality. Let's dance.

Television shows currently in development:
· The Chair. Live from Texas, it's Must Kill TV. Actual televised executions! Hosted by President George W. Bush. Survive this, CBS!
· That '90s Show. From the geniuses who brought you those other shows. Meet the Grungies, Seattle's favorite chain-smoking, anti-Establishment family. Brought to you by Flannel.
· Martha Stewart After Dark. America's favorite homemaker gets down and dirty. Sample dialogue: "Yes. Right there. Oh yes. Watch the satin sheets. Oh. Oh. Oh. Careful with the drapes." · The Humperdinks. VH-1's answer to MTV's smash hit The Osbournes. Join Engleburt and his wild and crazy family! Rock!
· Iron Chef Baked. Guest host Woody Harrelson makes his "specialty" brownies.
· Sex and the Amish Country. Meet the fabulous ladies of rural Pennsylvania and their scandalous lifestyle!